www.hltv.org/forum/154797-my-grandma


Last night, my mom was sleeping and I was awake. Then, my mom's phone rang and my mom jumped out of bed immediately. I observed the changes in her eyes expression, and after I found one, I knew that, that time, my grandma didn't make it. I will never be able to forget that eyes of sorrow. I really feel for her.. It's really painful, to lose your loved ones, and never be able to see them again. You want to grab something, but you can't, because they're gone. You want to talk to them, to say something to them, and you want them to give some reaction to you, to flick their eyes to you, to smile to you, but it's impossible anymore.. Thinking about it, about my mom's feelings, makes my chest feel tight, like having a short of breath.. It's like running with someone, someone so fast.. You want to keep up.. You want to grab her shoulder.. You want to accelerate your sprint to keep up with her, to tell her to slow down, but you can't..

Anyway, my mom said to her sister at the phone, "It's okay, sis, I'm already willing to accept it". Her face can't lie. She cried hard in her mind, but she endured it, and I can see that. I'm willing to trade anything I have in my life to not see my mom being as sad as that anymore. If anything like God exists, I want Him/Her to transfer my life span to my grandma so that she can live longer, so that my mom can finish her mission of life, to be a daughter who is successful in life, but above all, to let my grandma to see it when it happens and to see her grandchildren who have grown up for the first time after 20 years.. I feel her guilt.. It's a guilt of a life-time.. And I, too, feel guilty.. I should've asked my mom for us to meet grandma earlier, when she was still healthy.. Damn!

Then, with tears falling from her eyes, my mom said to me and my brother, "she's gone". After a few minutes, my aunt called again. She asked if my mother wanted to have some "last speech" with my grandma through phone. My mom talked right away whilst crying. She spoke in foreign language which I don't understand, but I supposed she was saying something like "mom, be good in there.. I'm sorry I couldn't be a better daughter". Her cry was very miserable. I watched her, then I also cried in silent behind her back.

I really really really feel for my mom. Now, she's really alone in this world. She had her biological parents hit by a car just before she was born. Her father died right away, with her mom died a few days after, after she gave birth to my mom. She was raised by my grandma since then. She's got noone else. No father. No brothers. No sisters. No husband-divorced since years ago. No other relations. Just my grandma and her 10 hateful children, who always thought too high of themselves and never had any introspection towards their own selves, AND, who even threatened my mom to not pay my grandma's hospital administration fee if my mom came to visit. Jesus Christ! She's the only one my mom's got her whole life and they didn't even let her to see her mom for the last time! They offered her to come by, ONLY after my grandma had been in coma state, and after the doctor said that grandma seemed to be waiting for someone. WTF? Was she forgotten?! Grandma's the only person my mom had in this world, so how did they overlook the importance of this thing for my mom?? Sick.

My mom refused to take the offer as she remembered one of the last message my grandma had said to her, "have self-respect. Don't let others step on you all the time". Anyway, it's weird since before, they threatened my mom to not come, but they changed mind after my grandma's coma state. They were fucking with her. How would it make any difference to talk to someone who was in coma? I was so sure it's about my grandma's patrimony money. They were so afraid that my grandma would give it all to my mom.


R.I.P. grandma..

Even though it sounds childish, but even till now, past 12 hours after her death being announced, I'm still hoping that there's a miracle, that she will be alive again.. With her pulse scan reacting after hours of being flat.. I want to see my mom's happy face again..

There's this 1 y/o baby a couple next door have, whom my mom has always been playing with this last year. But ever since my grandma was in coma, she always uses this song as a lullaby to make the baby sleep, the song which I instinctively know was used to be a song my grandma sang to put my mom to bed when she was a little kid. She didn't cry, but I cried in silent everytime I saw her doing that..

This is the song, and please listen to it while reading the next thing I'm going to say,

(see the lyrics at the bottom of the blog)




I hope..

I hope that you all realize how important our parents are for us.. Maybe there are parents who aren't up to your expectations out there.. But still, they are our parents..and our ONLY parents we've got in this world.. No matter how bad things get, ALWAYS treat your parents with pure love.. Always love our parents the way they are.. In the end, love will conquer everything.. And never delay things.. Don't wait until things get too late.. Because we never know when they will be taken from us.. And when they do, we will only have regrets..painful regrets..

For now, be a good kid for your parents.. Be something.. Something that will remind your parents..that they still have one more reason to live.. Even though everything has been taken from them.. They still have you.. This is what I'm planning to do at the moment, AND will do for the rest of my life.. And I hope you, too..


Thanks for reading!

My Bonnie lies over the ocean,
my Bonnie lies over the sea,
My Bonnie lies over the ocean,
O bring back my Bonnie to me.

Chorus:
Bring back, bring back, O bring back my Bonnie to me, to me:
Bring back, bring back, O bring back my Bonnie to me.

O blow ye winds over the ocean,
O blow ye winds over the sea.
O blow ye winds over the ocean,
And bring back my Bonnie to me.

Repeat chorus

Last night as I lay on my pillow,
Last night as I lay on my bed,
Last night as I lay on my pillow,
I dreamed that my Bonnie was dead.

Repeat chorus

The winds have blown over the ocean,
The winds have blown over the sea,
The winds have blown over the ocean,
And brought back my Bonnie to me.

Repeat chorus

My Bonnie leaned over the gas tank,
The height of its contents to see,
I lit a small match to assist her,
O Bring back my Bonnie to me.

Repeat chorus

Last night as I lay on my pillow,
Last night as I lay on my bed,
I stuck my feet out of the window,
In the morning the neighbors were dead.

Repeat chorus

My mother makes beer in the bathtub,
My father makes synthetic gin,
My sister makes fudge for a quarter,
Wouldja believe how the money rolls in?

Repeat chorus

My mother, she drowned in the bathtub,
My father, he died from his gin,
My sister choked on her chocolate,
My stars, what a fix I am in.

Repeat chorus

I tried making beer in the bathtub,
I tried making synthetic gin,
I tried making fudge for a living,
Now look at the shape that I'm in.