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How to stop hating my life?
suicide | 
Russia Culimon 
Sometimes I seriously consider suicide, but then I grasp I don’t have the strength to actually commit it and I’m not sure how to not make it painful At some point of my life I try to act like “oh it’s not that bad overall, I have to be in good mood and everything will get better” and optimistic crap like that but in reality, nothing ever improves and everything just stays shit or becomes even worse The only thought that always prevented me and made me reconsider is that “in the future everything might change completely and I will be living a happy fulfill life that I deserve” And I can’t possibly know what’s gonna happen in the future and this just frustrates me more cuz I might waste like 20 more years of my life and just keep suffering for nothing eventually I make fucking miserable 280$ per month which isn’t enough for anything (not even talking about somehow saving money for my initial goal of moving to another country) which seems unreachable right now. I can’t find a decent job cuz no one wants to fucking hire some guy with a disability although I can do everything the other employees can do, so I have to apply for shitty ass jobs working 8 hours a day I never had a relationship at my age of 22 and I don’t even have a circle of friends to spend time or have fun with. I never kissed a girl or loved someone. I’m completely alone and utterly upset all the time and I can’t find a solution for that. My routine is the same boring shit every day. Nothing interesting or exciting happens. I know I would be able to have fun if I had money but I just can’t afford anything. The only positive thing that I did during recent years was attending Moscow. And I had to spend so much fucking money out there (the amount of my salary for 4x months) yeah it was kinda fun but now I’m back home and all of that fleeting fake joy is gone and money basically spent for nothing I know I’m still probably young and some people might say “it’s just a beginning so just carry on” but I’m not sure if I can endure it any longer. I always had high expectations for life but I never managed to achieve anything significant. I wanted to be rich and enjoy a joyful life while traveling around the world (yea ik u might find it naive or silly but I don’t care, it was genuinely my biggest desire) but I can only dream about that atm. I haven’t been abroad for like 7 years straight. I often look at these csgo pros and I have a potent feeling of jealously. They earn loads of money and travel around the world for free. You can’t even imagine how much I wish I was be living like them. I believe if I at least found a fitting girl for me who would actually like me back, it would certainty help but no one seems to like me so.. I doubt anyone is gonna read this whole post anyway and I don’t even know why I wrote all of this, I guess It made me a bit relieved
2019-10-19 08:12
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What city do you live in
2019-10-19 08:14
Yugoslavia realblizzy 
Probably he is living in Alaska
2019-10-19 08:15
Alaska is beautiful, not suicidal
2019-10-19 08:16
suicide | 
Russia Culimon 
It’s a small suburban city in Siberia, you probably never heard of it
2019-10-19 08:17
Europe AlL1n 
Just move somewhear with more sun and eu cs servers.
2019-10-19 08:24
If I actually decide to move to another city, it's gotta either Moscow or Saint Petersburg. I would like to move to Moscow. I don't really see the point in moving to other cities, essentially it's all the same. But in order to live in Moscow, here comes the same notorious obstacle - I need money. A good job required. The most expensive thing is renting a flat there. And everything else is quite expensive overall.
2019-10-19 08:45
Europe AlL1n 
Just dont do mainstream move to so4i
2019-10-19 09:16
Sweden LandoBaitor 
St. P better
2019-10-19 16:55
Try to don’t car about anything men 😎 go bang a hooker and ez life u will be feeling much better When u feel like shit go bang a hooker again 😎 and drink some alcohol
2019-10-19 08:20
Best advice ever on hltv
2019-10-19 08:22
shox | 
France Zyw0o1v9 
But not enough money to eat if bang hooker :(
2019-10-19 08:23
then u can eat her pussy 😎
2019-10-19 08:25
I read the entire text. I was in the exactly same situation some years ago and I just "survived" beeing positive and turning on the "fuck" for everything. Who cares if some ppl are making 5k USD per month at 22yo and you not? U can enjoy life on other ways too. You at least are concerned about the situation and know that have to change... Nobody here will have to absolutely answer for you in particular, but just the relief of talking about it openly can help u for a moment. And depression is a battle that u fight every single day separately. So keep going, the "lucky" and opportunity comes for everyone.
2019-10-19 08:25
not a stupid Brazilian on hltv Pog
2019-10-19 08:30
thx mate. get me a job in Finland, ur country is awesome
2019-10-19 16:48
Ok sorry men didn’t mean to insult ur whole nation 🥰
2019-10-19 17:31
hahaha im serious bro. No sarcasm for real.... u can insult this sh1t country, i dont care. Our politics fcked up everything. I want to leave and work in another country.
2019-10-19 17:50
I get what you are saying but I just can't get ouf of this mindset. I wake up in the morning and I feel like shit. I feel shattered and sad till the day ends. Then it repeats all over again
2019-10-19 08:58
United States ImFat 
It’s not going to happen in a day, don’t expect to just wake up and you magically feel better. It’s gotta start small, try and enjoy the little things, and focus on the stuff you do like, don’t always think about what sucks, try and think about the stuff that sucks a little less. And you’re only 22, that’s still very young, so yeah you do have your whole life ahead of you, so stay focused and driven, and try and find happiness in the small things. Don’t give up man, you got so much you wanna do and feel, don’t give up cause your feeling bad now, that would just ruin what you will be, you will get better man, I know it. The fact that you have a idea of where you want to go is already amazing man, just try and get there, one step at a time. Best of luck, I’m cheering you on, hope everything gets better. (Edit) also for the relationships, they are overrated, and will hold you down at the moment, only start caring about a relationship at like 27+
2019-10-19 09:15
+1 about relationship. Im dating for 8years now with the same girl, i love her... but sometimes it just sucks, not her fault... but sometimes we need to stay alone or just know a new person. Plus, ppl get depressed for not get a relationship, and others go depress because of a break... so is a 50/50 situation.
2019-10-19 16:51
Bro, like i said, i know that feeling. But like other ppl said... u need to start slowly. You need to thanks first for have a job, a sh1t one, but still a job. Here in Brazil ppl are starving on the streets cause they dont have a simple job. Ppl would kill (thhey alrdy do) for a 12hour day job... Focus that are ppl way worse than u and they keep living and fighting. You are not allowed to quit when ppl worse than u keep going! How many stupid ppl do u know that dont even speaking english? Or dont have a hobby like CS to watch and enjoy... Start to be grateful (not to God) for what u have and u will start to build ur own history. And ah, find a new thing to do that u enjoy.
2019-10-19 17:01
HLTV is not really the right place to express your feelings. You will most likely meet trollers or baiting or just pathetic people who laugh at you
2019-10-19 08:26
wtf men((
2019-10-19 08:27
it's true
2019-10-19 11:35
India aj0102 
A girl I like is going through the same thing man, I know how it feels like. I guess you think you’re not good enough for this world and what’s the point if living. You either have depression, low self esteem or anxiety. It’s difficult to come out of it bro, trust me.. the only one that can better yourself is you, you’re asking for advice here but how much ever advice you get. The final decision lies with YOU, you have to work on bettering yourself bro and I hope you come out of this phase one day. As far as relationships are concerned, everyone has their own pace of going forward.. don’t be sad if you can’t find anyone, that day will surely come, there are people who meet their loved ones when they’re wayyy older too, plus you’re 22, very young. So don’t put yourself down bro, wokr on bettering yourself and if you need to talk to someone, drop me a message. Peace
2019-10-19 08:33
Yea you described it pretty well. It's nice to see kind people on hltv. I appreciate your words, thanks.
2019-10-19 08:53
And what steps have you taken to try to become rich? Because that is the only way out of your shitty situation. I don't know much about Russia, but there is not much disability support, is there? Especially since you live in a small and remote city. Anyway, read more books such as those about the outside world to expand your knowledge base, so it would help you in coming up with a business idea. Also, read books about useful skills like business, sales, trade, accounting, etcs that would undoubtedly be helpful in starting your own business one day. You don't need to be an expert in those skills. Just become aware of their utilities and some basic know-hows. Save as much as your can for your starting capital. Your life will suffer for maybe 5-10 years, but if you're successful, you will be able to get out of the shithole you're in.
2019-10-19 08:36
Rob4 | 
Serbia e_loK 
Do you have any family? Talk to them about this. Also if you are depressed and suicidal visit a phycologist or a phycitrist, trust me it cen truly help you. Remember you are 22 and it is never too late to change proffesion. Idk what your disability is but you could try finishing school, or maybe even investing into stock market I know i am giving you seemingly random advice but i don't know enough to give you anyting better, nor am i suited to do so
2019-10-19 08:42
Don't invest in stock if you're an amateur. Investment advisers aren't always reliable. Also, I don't know if securities investment advisers in Russia are required to have a license that aims to make sure they have the best interests of their clients at heart like in the US.
2019-10-19 08:50
My dad left when I was like 9 and created another family. He was quite rich and had his own business but he didn't give a fuck about me. Never even gave money to raise me. My mom is still there and she knows about how I feel but there's nothing she can do. In our country, phycologists are just a waste of money (or at least that's what I think) most of them are not professionals and can't help. Everyone is only interested in their own stuff and tries to earn as much money as possible
2019-10-19 08:52
Go to disco to meet girls if u are enought good looking mens)))
2019-10-19 08:55
cry is free not read
2019-10-19 09:15
Europe jood 
expected from lazyslaw
2019-10-19 09:18
this is so sad mens, gl and no kill urself pls 😥 i like ur name begouse culli means dick in finnish 😉
2019-10-19 09:17
12 yo gtfo
2019-10-19 09:26
u mad COS u dont like dick? 😂
2019-10-19 09:27
United Kingdom Megamo10 
Wut I do
2019-10-19 17:05
2019-10-19 17:16
don't do it man.
2019-10-19 09:19
2019-10-19 09:22
have u tried antidepressants?
2019-10-19 09:31
Finland Tonzaw 
What helped me during harder times was working out. I went to gym 5-6 times a week just because I had no interest doing anything but at the gym i got my focus on just that and not worrying about anything. After working out for a while you also start feeling healthier and better physically. Also you start looking better and women get more interested in you. Try it out if you can. If you cant afford a gym, do workouts home or outside. Trust me, once you get in shape you start feeling a lot better about yourself. After that you get also confidence, find a girl and that easily your life has changed for the better. Your life wont change doing the same thing over and over again. You need to change it yourself. Good luck!
2019-10-19 09:37
same like me :P btw your english is very good and you can write the good text too xd
2019-10-19 17:01
Frankie | 
Italy J1reN 
TL;DR but as an answer for the title: just start loving your life. now i tell u my attidue: as a muslim i have some struggles like any human. but islam gives me the energy to fight and keep on,bcz i know we are here for a reason,and believe in heaven and hell. im not asking u to be muslim,but to find out what religion is the truth,search carefully and take care of misleading anti islam mens.
2019-10-19 17:05
United Kingdom Megamo10 
1. Go back to school and study something employable which has decent pay. 2. Get a job in that field. That apparently solves half of your problems. 3. Become financially literate. People who doesn't understand basic economics, inflation etc are wasting money all of the time and it's honestly sad to see. 4. Look after yourself, groom yourself and become confident with a new mindset. 5. Go talk to girls. (I am still stuck here believe it or not, but next week I will have completed this).
2019-10-19 17:09
Hobbit | 
Iran Tajik! 
Do you make 280$? People here make like 800$ per year on average, a bit more in Dushanbe and some successful sole traders might actually make more. I had luck because my family has a well-running company and some investments in Russia. Anyway, I didn't make me happier nor does it now. I'm a student and only money I get is from my parents, they literally pay my food, apartment rent and bills. I've talked to them that after I graduate next spring when I get a job I will take responsibility for all of those things by myself. Which means I won't have too much many to travel I just have to stay here.
2019-10-19 17:10
Sweden frozze90 
I feel the same way
2019-10-19 17:16
Denmark Howlite 
My best advice is to listen to Jordan Peterson psychology lectures on youtube like "personality traits 2017". Those have really changed my life to the better, when i was depressed, and I hope that it can help you too. For a short advice i would say: clean up your room and where you live, 'cause if you can't controll your home then you can't controll your life. Do all the small things correct in your life like: eating breakfest and dinner, brushing your teeth, your sleep scheduele and etc. those things are important because they fill up a lot of time in your life. Do not do things that makes you shameful like: eating bad food, procrastinating and addictions like smoking or porn etc/ don't do things that you would lie about doing. You can't change your life with a mentality but life can get better very quickly if you do the right things just don't lose hope. :)
2019-10-19 17:35
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