So, the girl I am in love with for 6 years now didn't talk to me for more than 10 months. We have not been properly talking for more than 3 years.
2 days ago, I saw she was in one of my posts. I was like, wtf??!! I didn't know if she was alive or dead for so long and suddenly she appears like that?!
Today I woke up feeling really bad, actually collapsing, after a bad dream involving her. Normally, I have breakdowns now and then but not because of her, it's because of what I feel about life. Decided to check out how she is now, and dude... heartbreaking. She is married now, moved to another place, has a life, a job, friends, has been working out and having lots of sex, living life. All this time I thought she didn't have her phone anymore, was working in her job without much time for things out of it. I thought she was still that sweet girl, waiting for a change to talk to me... now she changed and is a perv, apparently. What have I been doing? Waking up and staying on the computer till it's time time to sleep, everyFUCKINGday, for years. Also, I've been online all that time as well everyday waiting for her to come online so we can talk. And what was she doing? Exactly what I said, living, married, having sex, working. What did I do to my life over this? Am I so much of a prick to deserve this? My feelings didn't go away for this long... why would it go away now? I really thought she was the one, I really thought. I still use her picture in my Steam profile, I still make hidden references to her in every text I write... just to have this disappointment. I was never so disappointed in my life, never. I would rather die right fucking NOW than to live with a feeling for her for the rest of the short time I have in this fucking planet. I can't, I just can't take this, I can't. Really, I can't.
This is why I say that you shouldn't let people get to your life. The more people you know, the more chances you will have to be disappointed and betrayed. This is why I've been drawing people away from me for so long except her. I am tired, really tired, DONE trying to trust people. This is NOT the first time this happens, it's NOT. It happened AGAIN, for fuck's sake. I am tired of this, I am tired of people and all this bullshit. Why do I have to be so unlucky?
I have a valuable tip for all of you: don't let people get to your life anymore. Don't let them walk in. Stray yourself away from bullshit and disappointments. Before any of this happen, I was already really fucking done with people, now I was just proved to be right after all. I already had my suspicion. It was just confirmed. Now the awful dreams about this will come back again just like the ones from my first gf.
I'm done here, really done, really FUCKING done. I had already given up on life before any of this happen, tried to take my life numerous times, and now, I just don't know what to do anymore. I was so shocked I literally went numb and silent. I was just already so empty... so lost, and not even because of this, and now this happens. Why? Why do friends walk away from? Why do gfs just give up and go missing like that? Why people make so much fun of me behind my back?
NOBODY CAN DISAPPOINT YOU AS MUCH AS THOSE YOU LOVE THE MOST. Remember that, always, my friends, always.
I don't know what to say anymore. She has a whole life... what do I have? A fucking computer with 3 monitors, games to play? Yeah great, this didn't help me for so long but I do value what I have, a lot. But I have nothing that really adds value to my life or my self steem, or to myself. What have I done to deserve this? Hard to see how meaningless I was all this time. Honestly, I feel like ending everything right now, I have my controlled meds but it would NOT be over her, it would be over what it has added to me and to what I was already feeling before any of this shit.
Sorry, I just wanted to say something.