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CONTENT WARNING: Suicide and depression.
Please leave this thread if you can't handle this right now. And to the mods: Please, please, please, I beg you, don't 404 this, as it is written with the best intentions, lots of effort and the hope that maybe someone, might it be just one poor soule out there, reads this and will find comfort or help in this story.
TL;DR at the very end!
I am 26 years old and have been depressed my whole life. It is obviously hard to tell when exactly my depression started, but I have had suicidal thoughts before I was even 10 years old (probably at around 6 years old, but let's say I was 10 just to not be exaggerating). I always thought things will never change and that all the people I loved, trusted and knew they only wished the best for me, that were telling me "life can change, you just have to work it out, go to therapy, do sports and meet poeple you like and have deep meaningfull conversations about your feelings" are not understanding how depressed I am, how little joy there is in my life and how much I just wish things would end right here, right now.
However, I had a really long and emotional discussion about my mental health with my girlfriend yesterday and she asked if she could show me an illustrated video about a black dog that was made by someone who has been depressed almost his whole life and illustrated the video to describe how he feels, how depression feels (link to the video at the end). Me, being the depressed little fuck I am, agreed but with a big amount of specticism. So she went on to show me the video and I can not stress enough how much of a change this dumb little 4 minute long video has made to my thinking.
I, for the first time in over 15 years of being heavily depressed and wanting to die, feel like I understand what is happening to me, what my depression is and what it is doing to me and my life and most importantly, I feel like I can explain myself to others and allow them to understand how I feel, at least to a certain degree, as obviously someone not having severe depressions will never be able to know how that fucking shit feels (which maybe is why some people denie the existance of depression). This really short video has made me feel like my depression is gone. It is no longer here. I have no Idea where it went and I dont care. All I know is, I feel fucking awsome, as awsome as I could have never even imagined I could feel the (at least) 15 if not 20 years of my miserable life.
Does this mean I am cured? I dont know. I dont think so, but I also don't even care. I am feeling as good as I never felt before and that's all that matters for know. What also is really important, is that for the first time in my life, I have the feeling, that there is something to hold on to, in case the depressed and suicidal thought reaccure. Something I can hold on to that stop myself from jumping of that 100 meter cliff into certain death.
Does this mean this video will do exactly the same for you? I doubt it, alltho it might for a few. But it might give you that little bit of hope you are searching for, that there is something out there in this very wide world, that will help you to understand your illness and maybe even kick that fucking shit that is ruining you life!
So that is the story I wanted to share. Maybe it helps some others out there to hold on and keep looking for something that allows them to stop them from ending things. I sincerely whish all the best of luck to all my depressed fellow HLTV members. And even tho this has been said a million times and is a heavily overused sentenced: There is hope out there and you can find it, whatever that hope might be for you!
P.S: Here is the link to the affirmentioned video: youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc
P.P.S: If you have questions or just want to get anything of your chest, feel free to reply or shoot me a DM!
TL;DR: There is hope somewhere out there and you can find it. This video ( youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc) is what helped me and it might or might not can do the same for you. But you can get better and I wish you all the best in finding whatever will allow you to kick that fucking beast that is depression!
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0/8 go touch grass
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If you dislike the guy, you should still show more class than this.
Plenty of users i seriously dislike in this website, never have i ever kicked them when they are down.
If you dislike josephcs because of his political views, or because some silly baits caught you, or because you disagree with some csgo opinions, that is perfectly fine, but when he's opening himself up and showing vulnerability like in this thread, for you to try to humilliate him isn't a B-B-B-BASEDDDD OWNED!!!111 from you, it actually makes you look like a pathetic kid kicking the half-dead horse, even if you are smarter than him, even if you have better political, csgo views or funnier baits.
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I agree. I really don't care too much about specific users on this site, however his name somehow stuck to my brain after seing him baiting in almost every thread that exists, his countless obvious bait threads about betting and his nonsense advise of some really stupid bet that according to him is "free money" lmao
cool story
0/8 already had girlfriend
Very glad that you feel better now my friend.
All the best to you and respect for taking the time to share your story
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LMAO
Maybe you just have a girl you love and that cares about you and that’s made you realize that being sad is fucking stupid. But. Yeah. Black dog video. Sure.
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I have been with her for 1,5 years and have been in a mental hospital a year earlier for over 12 months. Both did not trigger whatever that dumb little video triggered to make me feel as good as I do now. So yeah, exactly, black dog video. And as I said, the video will most certainly not do the same for most others, but it certainly did so for me (in combination with a long, honest talk with some one I really love, as mentioned in the story of course). You also would have knewn that, if you had taken the time to actually read the story and not just the TL;DR and than go on to make a rather dumb assumption about me and my mental health. So thank you for your unkind answer and sorry for my likewise unkind reply.
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No I did read it all. It was more tongue and cheek. Didn’t mean to be rude. I was an emancipated adult at 15 due to my parents dying earlier in my life, so I didn’t have and still don’t have any time to think about it all. I just choose to be happy because I know how easy it is to die. Why waste this life being sad? No point. And no I emphatically don’t understand depression or the fact a chemical in your brain is wrong. Not saying it’s wrong. I just fail at understanding.
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Thank you for your reasonable reply. If this is how you live your life and it works for you, than that is absolutely fine and you should do that just like you are. As I also said, what helps people is really different from person to person and my story is just one of the many stories out there of people who have, after years of (to most) unimaginable suffering, have found something or someone that helps them to feel like they are back in controll of their sometimes hard to understand disease.
Since you also said "I emphatically don’t understand depression" I want to recommend the video to you, if you are interested in changing that. It might not change it, but it is just 4 minutes and might give you some sort of image that allows you to understand depression and seperate it from feelings like sadness or melancholia. If it doesnt, well I guess it was just 4 minutes of waste to you and playing matchmaking is 45 minutes of waste most of the times, so how much of a waste can it really be, right? :D
Anyway, I dont expect our discussion to go much further and am very much fine with how it went. To end this discussion, I would like to wish you, as I have to so many others in this thread about life and mental health, all the best to the life that is ahead of yours.
P.S.: My condolence to losing your parents at such a young age. I am happy for you, you have come out of something like that seemingly fine (if I understood what you said correctly).
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Dude you’re amazing. Just know that. <3
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you get it!
come on man, this is indirect racism, why is black dog, not just a dog?
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as for depression, its overrated.
you have good days, you have bad days. That's life... amount of bs I've experienced could have given up and become addicted to drugs/alcohol and then thats where u would reach the point where life has no meaning and so video wont help anyone thats is at that stage. its all about thinking clearly, those who have clean mentality get through it...
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Your reply makes it really clear that you have not read ( or understand) my whole story above, which is why I will not waste my energy and explain to you, why the things you say are oversimplifying depression a lot. If you want to feel like you said, than that's up to, i guess. You do you.
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just my take on depression, well its good that video helped your depression. Tomorrow is a new day :)
Depression is when one doesn't recognize when its good day and when its bad day.
this was a good read - shows that in every dark place there's a light somewhere
hope all is well for you my friend <3
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Looking from the outside and only touching the surface, I really have lived a great lifed of an upper middle class child (divorced parents and being emotionally neglected by my parents), which is also why i felt like making this thread. Just to make it clear (once more even tho it has already been said countless times) that this damn life-threatening illness of depression can hit almost everyone and that there does not have to be same in case you are so unlucky to be hit by it.
I know what i said has a lot of pathos to it, but so has your last sentence, which is why I am, at least for today, willing to agree withe the sentence "be what u like to be". :D
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Unlucky is that i never had depression and never understood it.
I have myself and i'm always telling myself not to give up and fight for the dream life i wished for so prob i will be watching that depressed people as weirdos plus after that ur already screwed so good luck.I had also pretty bad start of the life but lifed through it to become stronger.
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Ok and how did that video help you?
Because as I look at it, it's only saying the narrator learned how to deal with depression, but not what he actually did. Just giving the most basic af entry level advice that all psychologists give you when you start therapy.
"The more tired and stressed you are, the louder he barks. So it's important to learn how to quiet your mind." yeah no shit sherlock lmfao, easier said than done.
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What you are saying is exactly what I felt for a very, very long time and I was disgusted by it. Like, comeone, a fucking video helps you? But that was the point of my (long) story. In the end it was not the video that helped me. The video (and talking about it and all the other little things that added up over the last years of working on myself) was only what triggered that dog to leave (to speak in the terms of the video) at least for the last two days. And it might return tomorrow, but right not I dont care and that really is a big step (at least if you are in a likewise situation i was or still am in). I know all this can sound really basic and stupid, but as said, it is was "triggered" my depression to leave at least for one or two days. It does not need to do the same for you. That is what you will need to find (hopefully as quick as possible) yourself. But in the end I can't tell you what it will be for you, or even of there is anything that can help you. All I can say is, that I was there, I was at this point and (EDIT: the thaught of) ending things really was the only thing that gave somekind of relieve to me and if for you ending things is the only option, so be it, but I am trying to tell you, with this one stupid story of mine, there might be something/someone out there that can help you, that is worth all that suffering and pain you might go trough.
Happy for you, buddy
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I agree. It is hell of weird and I also maybe was not as clear as I could have been in my original story (unfortunately I can not edit it). I have specified it in other replies, but I will try to specify it shortly once more, just in case you are interested (which i dont expect and am totally fine with if you are not but you never know haha). It was not the video in particular that made the change. It probably was years of working on myself, talking about my feelings with the people i care about, seeking professional help in form of (multiple) threapies and this video an top. It is more like the video triggered something in me, that all the other things never could. This is why i framed my story like i did. But in the end it is just a video. I guess what I wanna say is: There is help and it really can be anything (also a dumb little video or literally anything, no matter how stupid it might seem at the first glance), that triggers you to feel better (for whatever period of time and even if it is just one day). But there might be that something and it might be worth looking for it. If there is nothing that helps, one can at least honestly say one has tried, before ending it all (which I really hope no one does before trying everything one can possibly try).
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You seem miserable, dude. Please seek help. Your life can become better and all that anger, disgust and madness (or whatever it may be that troubles you) you are trying to afflict upon me is not welcomed and I will not waste further energy on this discussion. I hope you get well soon and have a nice evening anyway.
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Now tell him all he needs to do is hit the gym and get a jawline 🤡
depression isnt real. if u believe in bullshit like this and your "depression" was "treated" by a youtube video, then it wont be long before you are back in this artificial cage that you have held YOURSELF captive in.
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but i do wish you the best.
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I liked your story and appreciate you for sharing it.
Will watch the video some day, but not today.
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