CONTENT WARNING: Suicide and depression.
Please leave this thread if you can't handle this right now. And to the mods: Please, please, please, I beg you, don't 404 this, as it is written with the best intentions, lots of effort and the hope that maybe someone, might it be just one poor soule out there, reads this and will find comfort or help in this story.
TL;DR at the very end!
I am 26 years old and have been depressed my whole life. It is obviously hard to tell when exactly my depression started, but I have had suicidal thoughts before I was even 10 years old (probably at around 6 years old, but let's say I was 10 just to not be exaggerating). I always thought things will never change and that all the people I loved, trusted and knew they only wished the best for me, that were telling me "life can change, you just have to work it out, go to therapy, do sports and meet poeple you like and have deep meaningfull conversations about your feelings" are not understanding how depressed I am, how little joy there is in my life and how much I just wish things would end right here, right now.
However, I had a really long and emotional discussion about my mental health with my girlfriend yesterday and she asked if she could show me an illustrated video about a black dog that was made by someone who has been depressed almost his whole life and illustrated the video to describe how he feels, how depression feels (link to the video at the end). Me, being the depressed little fuck I am, agreed but with a big amount of specticism. So she went on to show me the video and I can not stress enough how much of a change this dumb little 4 minute long video has made to my thinking.
I, for the first time in over 15 years of being heavily depressed and wanting to die, feel like I understand what is happening to me, what my depression is and what it is doing to me and my life and most importantly, I feel like I can explain myself to others and allow them to understand how I feel, at least to a certain degree, as obviously someone not having severe depressions will never be able to know how that fucking shit feels (which maybe is why some people denie the existance of depression). This really short video has made me feel like my depression is gone. It is no longer here. I have no Idea where it went and I dont care. All I know is, I feel fucking awsome, as awsome as I could have never even imagined I could feel the (at least) 15 if not 20 years of my miserable life.
Does this mean I am cured? I dont know. I dont think so, but I also don't even care. I am feeling as good as I never felt before and that's all that matters for know. What also is really important, is that for the first time in my life, I have the feeling, that there is something to hold on to, in case the depressed and suicidal thought reaccure. Something I can hold on to that stop myself from jumping of that 100 meter cliff into certain death.
Does this mean this video will do exactly the same for you? I doubt it, alltho it might for a few. But it might give you that little bit of hope you are searching for, that there is something out there in this very wide world, that will help you to understand your illness and maybe even kick that fucking shit that is ruining you life!
So that is the story I wanted to share. Maybe it helps some others out there to hold on and keep looking for something that allows them to stop them from ending things. I sincerely whish all the best of luck to all my depressed fellow HLTV members. And even tho this has been said a million times and is a heavily overused sentenced: There is hope out there and you can find it, whatever that hope might be for you!
P.S: Here is the link to the affirmentioned video: youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc
P.P.S: If you have questions or just want to get anything of your chest, feel free to reply or shoot me a DM!
TL;DR: There is hope somewhere out there and you can find it. This video ( youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc
) is what helped me and it might or might not can do the same for you. But you can get better and I wish you all the best in finding whatever will allow you to kick that fucking beast that is depression!