*****I love HLTV from the bottom of my heart. I've had the biggest mental and emotional breakdown in my life. If I don't show up anymore after December 21st, it is because I am dead, I've taken my own life because I am carrying a burden much heavier than I would ever be able to carry, and I would simply give up. I love you all and this website. Thank you, my friends, for the laughs during the dark and heavy times, but, I have to go if I can't take it anymore. I'm homesick for a place I've never been, nostalgic for a time I've never lived. I feel completely lost in life and everything, and this has to end, I can't carry this. I am thankful for this website and the people I have met here. I hope you can live your lives fine, unlike me. I really wish it to end at December 21st. If you also have problems and want to end it all, I am deeply sorry, may you be comforted someday.*****

Very dedicated autobhop/kz/surf player active since 2007 that loves CS way too much, yup, I'm kinda veteran at movement and have held some world records. I've been playing CS since 2002 or so when I barely knew what a computer was. Oh, also, making CS maps is pure art.

>>Yes, I write this stuff because... yes, I like doing it and expressing myself in an unique way.<<

If you are willing to read the text below, be warned that it is confusing, and I constantly update my bio with new stuff, so next time the text might be improved, or, be a totally different one. I just like writing and I am hostage to the voices inside my head that fuel my texts every morning. Who knows, it might be a book someday.


Why did you never appear in this place?
Why did you leave my dreams?
Reaching you is like trying to reach an illusion
Why can't I see you in my visions anymore?
Why can't I remember what you are like anymore?
You are a faded memory, like I remember the old days
You are like a ghost, haunting my mind
Everything looks and feels distant, just like you are to me
I used to see you in every corner I looked at
I used to hear your voice in every sound I would pay attention to
I try to follow my way, my life, but I always end up following your traces
Traces of an old feeling, an old face I can't quite remember

One day, the mention of a name will have an impact
But, you won't remember what is that tree like
You won't remember what the old temple was there for
Everything got replaced, for a new prosperous way
Some names are part of a story but never meant to stay
I wish I could do here, what I do in my world...
I wish I could understand why people are so shallow when we have such profound minds
I wish I could have felt your presence, but I am left alone feeling your absence
At what time does the Sun set for you?
How can I follow my dreams if I always end up following memories and old desires to one day see you?
Every thought, every scenery, leads to you

I see you there, but you are not there!
I hear your voice beside me, but you are not here talking!
In the end, I will get my answers
In the end, I know I will never reach you, as I know I will never reach any of my dreams
I have built a place for those with heavy dead dreams
A place where people accept their lost hopes
How can I do that if I still cannot accept mine?
I have built a place for those like me
But I gave up on my hopes for my distant dream

You are more distant and distant every day
Or is it me?
I see your name in every line
I find your words in everything I write
But when did I ever find you?
The ever bright nights are a reminder of what you feel
The nights at noon are to mourn your departure
You are gone, but here I stay
You smile away, but here I say, let me live free from burdens, as you have followed your way
And Dead Winter screams, we will battle for the ever sunny days


Her: What time is it? [she asks worried]
Me: 14:25.
Her: And why is it dark?
Me: It is night at noon! [I happily answer, smiling]
Her: This is so weird!
Me: I just thought that a day of night at noon would be good after a long time of sunsets at midnight, girl. Let's appreciate the light we have had for so long when it is gone for a bit. The light comes to us, to make everything shine, what a love that is, is it not?
Her: Where will I go after this place?
Me: People come here to heal, girl, I hope you heal, and can have a chance. I will not have a new one.
Her: What if I want to stay here?
Me: You don't want to stay here. Your body is still in that bed in the hospital, and people miss you. Look at you! You write, you are creative, emanate your energy! Why did you do that?! This is no place to stay, girl. This is a place for those that want to escape their world. Then, they go to Somewhere so they can start a new stage of healing. You could help so many people to heal, but, instead, you decided to kill yourself to come here. What a mind you have. You just took a bad decision. Please, go back, this place is for lost people, you are not lost! People have found themselves in you. How beautiful is that? [I answer, still smiling and excited]
Her: This is so much better than where I was!
Me: Do you know why these walls are here?
Her: No.
Me: They are here to contain the sorrows of these poor souls, not to shelter them. Girl, you have so much to offer, why would you want to stay in Dead Winter? A place for the almost-dead. You have so much life in you! [I answer softly]
Her: I read about you, and I thought it was fascinating! I wanted to see this place, and honestly, I would choose to be here.
Me: Girl... you are a profound person, but this place goes beyond that. This is no place for souls that shine like you. We take people that have no light in them. This is a place for me, and for people like me. Look at these people, here they can stay, think, live for a bit like they can't out of here. You deserve better. This place shelters those who have no hope, and you scream hope for those finding themselves through your words. Here is the place for those carrying old pains, unsaid words, lost dreams. This... is Dead Winter. You have a wonderful world for you. Help people, girl, don't end yourself for this place. [I answer with emotion]
Forum posts