If I suddenly disappear from here, it is because I am dead, committed suicide. Life was not good and I realised how much of a joke and utter humiliation my whole life is. There is nothing in this life for me, there is nothing to be achieved by my person aside from being a fucking joke. I feel betrayed by life, and it always looks like the universe is plotting something against me... every day I have something different to remind me of the utter failure that I am. I had no life my entire life. I lived most of my life locked in my room, because I was such a constant embarassment to myself and everyone around me. Everywhere I go I take negativity. If you read this and I am not gone yet, don't try to help me, you will be frustrated as there is nothing that can help. I can't let this infinite hatred burn in my soul anymore, I have to end it. My final letter is being written, and will be delivered at the time I decide to end it all. Some people are idiot and stupid enough to put any hope on me, little they know I have already given up. Every day someone or something I see reminds me of the piece of shit I am, and the piece of shit of a waste of a life I had. I don't know what it is like to have company, I don't know what it is like to be fulfilled, happy, I don't know what it is like to receive a romantic love from someone else, I don't know what it is like to be at peace, have a good day.... every day is filled with anxiety, dread, despair, utter terror from the mental disorders I have. I live every second with extreme fear, like if I had a gun pointed at my head at all times... I have disappointed everyone, and I am tired of being a constant disappointment. 08/03/2021 was one of the worst days of my life. I saw someone I could feel so related to... and this person did something that would grant hate for eternity, but I felt so related because he lived a live of loneliness, rejection, and utter failure in endeavors. He lived a life of emotional despair, being labeled undesirable by girls, just like me. Rest in peace, my friend, I wish I had met you. I would do anything to be a normal person, have a normal life, a normal brain, experience being wanted by someone else, being loved and not being despised and laughed at. I am tired of living this live of humiliation and having to remember every day of the failure I am. There is not a single thing in my life which I didn't fail at. I was never good at anything... I remember being a kid and playing football for hours everyday, and still being utterly shit at it and having people laughing at me. I played CS for more time than anyone I know and I am one of the worst players around. I have tried hard at school and failed at every single subject you can think of. I have failed 2 grades at school... Enough dude, enough. I just can't stand failing anymore, and can't stand being reminded of the failure I am. I have been denied a normal life, with friends, enjoyment, fulfillment, a love life, a sex life, a fun life. I am the total opposite of what someone should be, so if you need an example, look at me to see what you shouldn't be, ever. I am just... So tired of being alive, being invisible, feeling everything that is bad. Every day I wake up more hopeless than the day before, but also with a slight hope that something will change, but nothing ever changes, and I am done, far beyond done. I have lived a whole live of negativity and emptiness, of rejection and loneliness, and I can't take it anymore. All I wanted was to fit in this world, but I can't. There is nothing that I like to do, nothing that sparks any interest from me, nothing that I would like to work with and making a living out of. There. Is. Nothing. In. This. Life. For. Me. I am tired of living an emotional life of pure dread, despair and humiliation because of something I cannot change and can't forget. I have always said I would prefer to end it all instead of living my whole life feeling it, and so it is my decision, I will end it all. I can't stand this humiliation anymore, and my autistic obsession with meaningless things just makes everything worse one thousand fold. I am really sorry, guys. When I finally come to my ultimate decision, I will put the day I decided to do it, at the top of my biography, so you will know I have done it. The day will probably be one of the solstices or equinoxes. I don't know, I might change my plan if things get too bad. Sorry guys... I am really sorry.
Very dedicated autobhop/kz/surf player active since 2007 that loves CS way too much, yup, I'm kinda veteran at movement and have held some world records. I've been playing CS since 2002 or so when I barely knew what a computer was. Oh, also, making CS maps is pure art.
ALL HAIL THE NIGHT AT NOON!
ALL SORROWS SUNSET AT MIDNIGHT!
>>Yes, I write this stuff because... yes, I like doing it and expressing myself in an unique way.<<
If you are willing to read the text below, be warned that it is confusing, and I constantly update my bio with new stuff, so next time the text might be improved, or, be a totally different one. I just like writing and I am hostage to the voices inside my head that fuel my texts every morning. Who knows, it might be a book someday.
And they dared to live without depth
They dared to live without questioning
They dared to live without the preservation of roots
They live... without boundaries
They live without fears
They live without diving into questions
And they dared to live without appreciating the rain
They dared to live without ever hailing the Sun
They dared to live despising the night at noon
They live in eternal periods of short nights
They live without giving their sorrows to the sunset at midnight
They live by the hands of corruption
And they dared to live without principles
They dared to live without using their words
They dared to live with courage and freedom
They live in an eternal summer being carried by Amber
They live without needing the birds to carry away any pain
They live being enclosed in the colors of spring
And they dared to escape the autumn
They dared to get the answers without getting lost
They dared to carry the energy of light
They live in ever blue skies
They live happily watched by the clouds
They live in the eternal thunderstorms of their lives
And they dared to brave the darkness life throws at them
They dared to bring light to their shadows
They dared to do the impossible without hesitation
They live standing proudly after the struggles
They live accepting the circumstances
They live being sure after knowing uncertainty
And they dared to meet with lies and deception to know truth
They dared to meet with danger to know safety
They dared to deal with hatred to know love
They live following their most desired path
They dared to live with eternal hope in what they believe
They live... they live being their own road
And they dared... they dared to appear as they really are in a world of disguise
Why did you never appear in this place?
Why did you leave my dreams?
Reaching you is like trying to reach an illusion
Why can't I see you in my visions anymore?
Why can't I remember what you are like anymore?
You are a faded memory, like I remember the old days
You are like a ghost, haunting my mind
Everything looks and feels distant, just like you are to me
I used to see you in every corner I looked at
I used to hear your voice in every sound I would pay attention to
I try to follow my way, my life, but I always end up following your traces
Traces of an old feeling, an old face I can't quite remember
One day, the mention of a name will have an impact
But, you won't remember what is that tree like
You won't remember what the old temple was there for
Everything got replaced, for a new prosperous way
Some names are part of a story but never meant to stay
I wish I could do here, what I do in my world...
I wish I could understand why people are so shallow when we have such profound minds
I wish I could have felt your presence, but I am left alone feeling your absence
At what time does the Sun set for you?
How can I follow my dreams if I always end up following memories and old desires to one day see you?
Every thought, every scenery, leads to you
I see you there, but you are not there!
I hear your voice beside me, but you are not here talking!
In the end, I will get my answers
In the end, I know I will never reach you, as I know I will never reach any of my dreams
I have built a place for those with heavy dead dreams
A place where people accept their lost hopes
How can I do that if I still cannot accept mine?
I have built a place for those like me
But I gave up on my hopes for my distant dream
You are more distant and distant every day
Or is it me?
I see your name in every line
I find your words in everything I write
But when did I ever find you?
The ever bright nights are a reminder of what you feel
The nights at noon are to mourn your departure
You are gone, but here I stay
You smile away, but here I say, let me live free from burdens, as you have followed your way
And Dead Winter screams, we will battle for the ever sunny days
Her: What time is it? [she asks worried]
Her: And why is it dark?
Me: It is night at noon! [I happily answer, smiling]
Her: This is so weird!
Me: I just thought that a day of night at noon would be good after a long time of sunsets at midnight, girl. Let's appreciate the light we have had for so long when it is gone for a bit. The light comes to us, to make everything shine, what a love that is, is it not?
Her: Where will I go after this place?
Me: People come here to heal, girl, I hope you heal, and can have a chance. I will not have a new one.
Her: What if I want to stay here?
Me: You don't want to stay here. Your body is still in that bed in the hospital, and people miss you. Look at you! You write, you are creative, emanate your energy! Why did you do that?! This is no place to stay, girl. This is a place for those that want to escape their world. Then, they go to Somewhere so they can start a new stage of healing. You could help so many people to heal, but, instead, you decided to kill yourself to come here. What a mind you have. You just took a bad decision. Please, go back, this place is for lost people, you are not lost! People have found themselves in you. How beautiful is that? [I answer, still smiling and excited]
Her: This is so much better than where I was!
Me: Do you know why these walls are here?
Me: They are here to contain the sorrows of these poor souls, not to shelter them. Girl, you have so much to offer, why would you want to stay in Dead Winter? A place for the almost-dead. You have so much life in you! [I answer softly]
Her: I read about you, and I thought it was fascinating! I wanted to see this place, and honestly, I would choose to be here.
Me: Girl... you are a profound person, but this place goes beyond that. This is no place for souls that shine like you. We take people that have no light in them. This is a place for me, and for people like me. Look at these people, here they can stay, think, live for a bit like they can't out of here. You deserve better. This place shelters those who have no hope, and you scream hope for those finding themselves through your words. Here is the place for those carrying old pains, unsaid words, lost dreams. This... is Dead Winter. You have a wonderful world for you. Help people, girl, don't end yourself for this place. [I answer with emotion]