Has anyone else seen AmaNEk’s massive derriere or is it just me?
Don't bully ARBORGA he's a cool guy
FUCK THE PRC TAIWAN NUMBA ONE FREE HONKONG
click! ---> https://discord.gg/JNdZ7Ru <--- Invite to HLTV losers, the lesser alternative to HLTV kings and stars.
Fuck you Barn
List of shitty stories I made:
Plot of Rise of Skywalker
Yoda's nudes get leaked and he comes back from the dead to destroy all copies.
Yoda and his new apprentice Jar Jar Binks succeed in destroying all copies apart from the one Rey owns.
Rey and Yoda fight to the death and Rey manages to fatally wound Jar Jar Binks but Yoda just gets angrier.
They fight some more but Kylo Ren turns up and helps Rey to defeat Yoda.
They manage to kill him but Jar Jar Binks gets up and kills Kylo, Rey kills Jar Jar but Kylo is dead.
Rey is very sad and starts to cry.
Kanye west is playing Finn and shows up to comfort Rey.
Rey confesses her love to Finn but Finn rejects her and tells her that he is gay for Poe Dameron.
Rey gets really sad and decides to get into an x-wing to and goes to crash it but Rose manages to hit her and prevents her from crashing into a planet.
She tells her that she's actually gay and doesn't like Finn anymore who dumped her for Poe.
They fall in love and that is the end.
The emperor is also alive now but Rey kills him with her force powers by doing the same thing she did to Snoke.
So I just went to sleep and I had a dream.
It started normal with me just sitting on a chair drinking a glass of water while listening to some music.
All of a sudden a great light comes out from under my door and through the keyhole.
I have to close my eyes because it is too bright.
I don’t know what to do so I just cover my eyes with my hands and go into the fetal position.
Then I feel a strong masculine hand grip my shoulders, I open my eyes and notice the light is gone.
I look up and see HUNDEN I nearly collapse in shock but HUNDEN calms me and says everything is alright in Danish.
I don’t speak Danish but I somehow understood it all.
He told me to boot up my computer and launch CS:GO.
I quickly obliged to his demand and started the video game immediately.
He opened the console and typed something in which I can no longer remember.
The screen went black for a second after which a loading screen started.
I looked at HUNDEN and asked him what he was doing.
He only smiled and told me to wait and see again in Danish.
I looked back at my monitor and saw that I was in some strange aim map server.
All of a sudden I heard voices which I did not recognise.
HUNDEN knew what I was wondering and told me that it was OCEAN and Ben1337 practising on this same server.
HUNDEN told me it was my turn to join them in the CS:GO pro scene.
He held both of my hands as we practiced for what seemed like hours but I did not get bored.
No quite the opposite, I was thrilled!
I enjoyed every second of it and felt that I was getting better by the minute.
But then HUNDEN stopped holding my hands, I looked at him and asked what he was doing.
He told me that it was time to go.
I begged him to stay but he refused and said that we would meet again soon.
He gave me a pat on my back and smiled at me.
I woke up after that.
I’ve played 2 games of mm and have had near perfect aim.
I’ve predicted every move, and have not died a single time.
HUNDEN if you are reading this I want to thank you for helping me become as good as you.
And I hope we can see each other soon.
The canon third world war
A man from Monaco goes to Bhutan and says that he doesn’t like Ap Bokto. All of the Bhutanese men who hear it start to punch the guy and nearly kill him. The government of Monaco demands an apology but the Bhutanese government just responds with an Ap Bokto quote: “The ones that deny my holy word must be separated from the world I have created. Any means to achieve this noble goal I shall see as just.” The Government of Monaco responds by calling back all ambassadors in Bhutan, Bhutan does the same. Monaco forms a coalition against Bhutan against Ap Bokto. The Bhutanese monks and priests prepare to preform the ancient ritual known as: “Dzon gahl Ap Bokto” Which means: “We require power from Ap Bokto” in Dzongkha. As the coalition forces arrive on the borders of Bhutan Ap Bokto sends his army of golden lions down from the skies to defend Bhutan. The legion of golden lions destroy the coalition army only suffering one casualty, a Bhutanese monk who sacrificed all of his power to allow the ritual to take place. The monks and priests threaten further action if the coalition does not cease further hostility. They comply and the third world war ended.
This one starts in the Ikea in Middelburg.
I needed a new chair because my old one is destroyed.
So I was looking at the chairs and I heard someone running and panting.
I looked around and then I saw a DickStacy and Malta running really fast.
They ran up to me and asked me to help them.
I asked why and they told me the story:
They said that erkaSt was not denied a visa but that Grayhound had to kick him because he was acting strange around the rest of the team.
When erkaSt heard this he went totally insane and started beating up Sico, Neil_M managed to pull erkaSt off of Sico but Sico was still really hurt.
After this erkaSt ran away and locked Dexter in his closet.
I asked them why they were telling me this and Malta told me that they were hiding from erkaSt in Zeeland because Zeeland has best mens))) best womens))) best food and best beaches.
But they had seen him in the restaurant and erkaSt had seen them.
They asked me if I could help them hide, then erkaSt jumped up from behind a desk and started running at us.
We ran until we reached the Swedish food market and hid behind the beers.
NeiL_M who was working at the Swedish food market then asked us what we were doing.
We explained that erkaSt was chasing us.
NeiL_M let us hide behind the counter while he was wearing a funny moustache so that erkaSt wouldn't recognise him.
After a couple minutes NeiL_M told us that erkaSt had just left and that he had pooped and cummed his pants.
Then ChrisJ showed up to buy some lingonberry jam and DickStacy told him the story.
After this I asked them for their autographs and went home.
I hope you mens)))) liked the story!
For legal reasons I have to tell you that this story is fiction and did not actually happen.
Sleep paralysis 1
Last night I had a sleep paralysis but did not see a demon. Instead it was fucking Duncan "Thorin" Shields and he just kept telling me about counter strike history. This went on for hours because I could not move. It only ended when a fat Pimp showed up and started correcting him on his predictions, only a couple minutes after this started they had begun fighting, It ended in pimp body slamming Thorin and killing him, or so I thought. Pimp had already left the room but then Thorin got back up and smirked at me, then I got up. I looked at the clock and realised it was 4 o'clock. I had skipped an entire day of school. I have never had sleep paralysis before but I'm quite sure it's not supposed to last 9 fucking hours. I'm tired as fuck now, and need to make so much homework which I don't understand at all. I'm all out of energy drinks, I swear I had a lot of them but they have just gone now. I don't know if Pimp took them, I don't know if this is even possible but what I know for sure is that they are gone. Please give me advice, I'm scared to go to sleep and get sleep paralysis again and miss school because I will get expelled. Please help me
Sleep paralysis 2
Guys it got way worse, I listened to most of the advice you guys gave me and went to sleep as I normally do but then on my side.
I thought everything was going to be fine, but then I woke up in the middle of the night.
I heard a noise and wanted to go downstairs to investigate but then I realised I couldn't move.
I thought nothing was wrong and just wanted to go back to sleep.
But then my heart fucking sank as I realised what the noises were, It was someone slamming something.
I heard what I think was Danish "Hjelp nogen Thorin dreber mig"
Then it all stopped and everything was silent.
I just wanted to go back to sleep but then I heard what sounded like footsteps, then I heard the Stairs creak.
I remembered the advice an Italian hltv user told me, I was trying to move my fingers and toes.
It started working, at this point I was vigorously shaking my toes and fingers.
Then I heard it "Ello you fokin prick were are ya ya fokin twat"
Then I could move my feet and my hands a little.
I saw the door opening and I saw a little bit of ginger hair and a baguette.
It was Duncan "Thorin" Shields, then he said "I'll foking break ya legs ya ear me?"
Then I shot out of bed, the door was closed, and Thorin was gone.
I went downstairs to see what had happened, There I saw it.
Lots and lots of bread crumbs and empty monster cans.
I'm fucking scared right now guys.
Thanks to the Italian guy for saving my life but I'm still not safe.
Please just help me, I'm scared he might find me again.
Story about 7RU7H
You got abducted by Somali pirates while going on a cruise with your family. They raised you in their way of piracy and treated you like one of their own, seeing as you were young you quickly learnt their language and adapted to their way of life. After years of sailing the seven seas avoiding the coast guard and local navies you finally found the treasure you’ve always been looking for. A rich mans yacht just passes by your death boat, you and your corsair friends board the ship and start pillaging it. Eventually you come across a bedroom with a stunning woman, you try to talk to her and comfort her but you don’t speak her language. You stand there trying to explain your situation to her until eventually Adi Mbwante bursts into the room, he says to you “what are you waiting for? Rape her!” You scream no! He turns his head, he wonders what you meant but shrugs it off, he pounces on the young lady. You can’t stand to watch this happen so you pull him off of her and say to him, “I told you to stop!” Adi looks at you in surprise, he says “what do you mean? We are pirates this is what we do” While he wasn’t looking the woman had grabbed a lamp and slammed it across his head. He was unconscious, she screamed at you in a language you still didn’t understand. She grabbed your hand and pulled you away from the scene, the two of you ran towards a smaller rescue boat. She went into it and waved at you to come inside, you hesitated but knew that this life of crime had to come to an end. You realise that you still had the money you made from your ventures and jump in the boat. It drops down to the ocean and the two of you slowly drift away. She gets closer to you and says something you do understand, “thank you”. You blush. A couple hours later you arrive on the coast of Kenya. You and the girl you had left with, your entire life left behind. She leads you to her house, and let’s you sleep in her bed. You realise that you have fallen in love. You stay with her for years, while she teaches you English gives you food and let’s you work at her school at which she teaches. You eventually learn that she is from the UK and is here to help educate the kids of Africa. You two get married after a couple years. You now work as a janitor at the school and she still works as a English teacher. It’s not much but it’s better than the life of a pirate. You get 3 children, 2 sons and 1 daughter. This is where you are now.
Jovik and ARBOGA go on an adventure
ARBOGA and Jovik visit a bts concert. Beep beep beep, it was the alarm clock. Jovik shot out of bed, ARBOGA was still sleeping though. Jovik walked over to ARBOGA’s bed, he tapped him on the shoulder. ARBOGA was still sleeping. Jovik decided to let him sleep, and started to get dressed. Jovik was preparing breakfast when he heard a massive thump. He ran over to the source of the ruckus, he quickly discovered that ARBOGA had fallen out of his bed. He was awake now though. Jovik asked if ARBOGA was ok, “yes Jovik I’m just a bit shocked that’s all” Relieved he continued with making breakfast for the two of them. ARBOGA too got dressed while Jovik finished making breakfast. He had made a vegan sandwich for the both of them, 2 glasses of soy milk and some broccoli. The two mens))) eat their meals near silently, but then ARBOGA ripped a massive fart. Jovik was disgusted at first but then decided that it was only human and complimented him on his thermonuclear bomb of a fart. Jovik looked at the clock and realised they had to hurry. They shoved their sandwiches in their mouth holes and ran to metro. ARBOGA’s fart cloud still stuck around him like glue sticks to paper. The people in the metro were all wearing face masks but they could still smell the rancid gas emanating from the Swedish man. Our two heroes didn’t notice or care about it however, they were going to see bts! A couple minutes later they finally arrived, the ticket people checked their tickets and let them in. One of the other attendees nearly fainted, Jovik noticed this but thought it was only due to the fact that they were seeing bts. Jovik was already used to the smell of ARBOGA’s fart but the other people at the concert weren’t. As the two men made their way through the crowd people were coughing and fainting behind them. Neither of the men noticed. Eventually they made their way to the front of the stage, they had to wait for bts. Jovik was mildly disappointed that they still had to wait 10 minutes for bts. ARBOGA was more optimistic, he said that it would be worth the wait. Jovik had to agree. Again the two men were oblivious to the fact people were distancing themselves from them. There was at least a 3 metre gap between Jovik and ARBOGA and other bts fans. And then it happened, the lights went out. Jovik was so exited seeing as it was the first time he’d see bts. ARBOGA was too but he had already been to 5 of their concerts, he was experienced. Bts emerged from behind the curtain, both Jovik,ARBOGA and the other visitors were going crazy. They started singing, and made Junkook made his way to the side of the stage Jovik and ARBOGA were on. Jovik was losing his marbles Junkook was so close! Then it happened, Jovik could hear ARBOGA’s bowel movements, they were loud. Not louder than the music but loud nonetheless. No one except him and ARBOGA could hear it, Jovik looked at ARBOGA to see what he was doing. ARBOGA was singing along like everything was ok. It wasn’t. Junkook leaned in with his microphone so people could hear ARBOGA’s singing. Then the dam broke. ARBOGA let out a fart at least a magnitude louder than the previous one. And more than twice as rancid. The sound reached the microphone and blasted all across the concert hall. Everyone heard it. Junkook’s face became like an eldritch monster. ARBOGA didn’t seem to care. Jovik nearly fainted, Junkook started coughing and gagging. The other bts members ran in to look at what was going on with their bandmate. The fans were yelling. One by one the bts members started smelling the gas one by one they fell. They collapsed to the ground. Security ran in to check what was going on. They dragged bts off the stage. Roars of discontent could be heard from the crowd, people were mad. No one knew what was going on. Jovik looked at ARBOGA in horror. ARBOGA smiled.
To be continued
If you actually read all of this I need to advise that you find a psychiatrist, one in Zeeland if possible but beggars can't be choosers because you are going to need one quick.
If you have gotten your help or realise that this above was just a hilarious joke I should explain what the fuck this is. Partially to save my own sanity and maybe yours too.
So in short sometimes when I'm on HLTV.org I get a sudden epiphany, a stupid idea/story.
A story which I then decide to write down as I'm thinking it, not because it's funny after just because I enjoy writing them.
Also some of these "stories" have been lost to time.
I used to have them backed up on my computer but I deleted them on accident.
Don't know if I ever bothered backing them up on some form of cloud or not but I don't know where to find them.
They should still be on HLTV somewhere if you dig deep enough.
If anyone knows how to look up past threads I should be able to find them though.
Just pm me if you know something.
I apologise for wasting your time.
Sincerely, yours truly ZeelandUser69 aka. Not BigMarvin wtf?!?!?!